I'm bout to teach yo ass how to link SHAKA-ZULU!

• My backpack has jets.
• "It was the freshest move I'd ever seen."
• Look good, smell good, taste good, is good eats SHAKA-ZULU! Alton Brown is going to get capped in a drive-by after this. I don't want to give it away, but I totally guessed the secret ingredient.
• New names for old colors. Just... just fucking shoot me. Goddammit, Crayola. "Happy ever after" is a color now? What. The. Fuck. With the inclusion of bear hug and super happy, how long until Jerry Falwell says they're pushing the homosexual agenda? (Because a bear is big hairy gay man. Don't ask. No, I'm not... look, I just know things, okay? I read a lot, I'm on the internet, I know things.) Fun fact: bear hug used to be called beaver. I'll just let that sink in.
• I might have gone to prom if the girls at my school had worn anything like this. I hope it comes with instructions, essential after years of abstinence-only sex ed. On second thought, the girls at my school were drugged-up skanks who split for any d-bag with a car and a six-pack of silver cans, the kind of girls who needed a weekly text telling them to check for crabs. That dress wouldn't be enough protection for one hole, let alone three.
• Rock out with your Hawk out.
• It turns out today's robots are ready to rise and enslave/kill us all, they're just waiting for us to give them guns.
• I'm sorry, Nokia. The Motorola is just a fling. She doesn't mean anything. I'll come back, baby.
• Okay, yeah, I went to school with girls like this. The blonde, Connie, I knew a girl just like her. It is the great regret of my life that I didn't lay into her the way Brian does. I'll bet her tears would've tasted like rainbows and Skittles. Or Jage.
• Oklahoma needs to get their shit together and join us in the 21st century.
• Baddd Spellah, I need a remix.