Gabba gabba hey!
Not only does Joshua Allen rock harder than your mom on a three-day meth binge, but he does it with the grace of a cheetah. It's long been known that two-thirty to three is the proper length of a song. Thanks to Allen's research we now know the precisely when a song enters what I, and everyone after me, will refer to as the fast-forward valley. At one hundred sixty-two seconds the slope of the graph of a song's greatness changes to negative, decreasing sharply as it passes one hundred eighty seconds. Every second on the negative slope increases the urge to press fast-forward and skip to the next song. It's like the uncanny valley except you can only pass the second vertex by getting pharmaceutical. Let's face it, "Ina-gadda-da-vida" is only listenable when you're high.
Allen's work is certainly of great importance, but there is a critical flaw in his report: not one goddamn mention of The Ramones. He gave recognition to The Breeders, The Cure, The Pixies, The Smiths, and The Violent Femmes, among others, but somehow overlooked The Ramones. It's possible this omission was done to inflate the ratio of bands-with-no-Deal-sisters to bands-with-one-or-more-Deal-sisters; this seems unlikely as the count of Deals is still quite low. There is a further error in his selection of tracks with perfect lengths: "Don't Do Me Like That" makes the list while "Pinhead" is conspicuously absent. Are we seriously expected to believe that Tom Petty can be included while ignoring the contribution of Dee Dee Ramone? It's a pity that this kind of bullshit shell game can overshadow such monumental findings.
Let me be clear on this: when you talk about songs that make hair fall off your nuts at two-and-a-half minutes because the riff is just that badass, you talk about the Ramones. No exceptions.
Not only does Joshua Allen rock harder than your mom on a three-day meth binge, but he does it with the grace of a cheetah. It's long been known that two-thirty to three is the proper length of a song. Thanks to Allen's research we now know the precisely when a song enters what I, and everyone after me, will refer to as the fast-forward valley. At one hundred sixty-two seconds the slope of the graph of a song's greatness changes to negative, decreasing sharply as it passes one hundred eighty seconds. Every second on the negative slope increases the urge to press fast-forward and skip to the next song. It's like the uncanny valley except you can only pass the second vertex by getting pharmaceutical. Let's face it, "Ina-gadda-da-vida" is only listenable when you're high.
Allen's work is certainly of great importance, but there is a critical flaw in his report: not one goddamn mention of The Ramones. He gave recognition to The Breeders, The Cure, The Pixies, The Smiths, and The Violent Femmes, among others, but somehow overlooked The Ramones. It's possible this omission was done to inflate the ratio of bands-with-no-Deal-sisters to bands-with-one-or-more-Deal-sisters; this seems unlikely as the count of Deals is still quite low. There is a further error in his selection of tracks with perfect lengths: "Don't Do Me Like That" makes the list while "Pinhead" is conspicuously absent. Are we seriously expected to believe that Tom Petty can be included while ignoring the contribution of Dee Dee Ramone? It's a pity that this kind of bullshit shell game can overshadow such monumental findings.
Let me be clear on this: when you talk about songs that make hair fall off your nuts at two-and-a-half minutes because the riff is just that badass, you talk about the Ramones. No exceptions.
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