Wednesday, April 30, 2008

I have no spirtual, moral, or medical dietary restrictions

Knowing nothing in life but to be legit
Don't quote me boy, I ain't said shit




This was my dinner. Yeah, that's a cheeseburger wrapped in a tortilla. When I want to eat cow, a lack of bread is not going to stop me, and I won't eat a burger with a fork like some goddamned caveman.

Saturday, April 26, 2008

Funky

I'm braindead. Wednesday and Friday after work I spent hours with K at her job, then spent today helping her schlep lumber. For no good reason at all, that shit has exhausted me. And it seems like the rhythm of my job is keeping me from focusing on writing. All I can think of is the future and no way to describe it. I'm not sleeping well and there's nothing on tv. Next weekend we're going to Tucson for K's brother's wedding. I might be alone in the mailroom Monday, which I'm fine with. Yesterday the guy I work with and I used natural and artificial sweeteners in cola as a metaphor for the Church of Rome and Church of England. Ok, Samurai Jack is on. Erase and correct.

I'll be better next week. Or the week after. I know it.

Friday, April 18, 2008

L'art pour l'art

Wondering about the thunder running through this blood
I try to keep my cool but the hat fits too snug


You know Aliza Shvarts? No? Okay, catch up on your research, google a few news reports, then we'll meet back here to discuss. Go ahead, I'll wait. Maybe get some coffee or something.

Ready? Oh-kay. Excluding the personal biases and giving in to a few generalizations, here's what we know: Shvarts injected herself with semen then, at the end of her menstrual cycle, took herbs that would cause her uterus to contract and shed the endometrium as part of an art piece. The pro-lifers think it's evil for obvious reasons, the pro-choicers think it's evil because it trivializes abortion. Yale is now saying it isn't real, Shvarts didn't really do those things. Shvarts denies Yale's statement. Yale says the denial is part of the art piece. Shvarts denies that, too.

There's a real neat trick that I think makes the situation a little clearer. Shvarts says there are no certainties in the piece, that no one can say what did or did not happen. She's right, and the method of the piece was clearly designed with that goal in mind. Shvarts injected herself with semen, which could cause an ovum to fertilize, but an entire branch of medicine exists because fertilizing ova isn't necessarily an easy or exact procedure. She then took herbs at the end of her menstrual cycle that could expel her uterine lining--at a time when her body would normally expel the lining. So: if Shvarts was pregnant, no one could tell without a protein test because the uterine lining was shed in either case. She injected and shed, but that does not necessarily an abortion make.

The main thrust of the controversy seems to be that everyone thinks Shvarts impregnated herself nine times and self-administered a miscarriage each time. None of that can be asserted with certainty, not anymore than we can know Schroedinger's cat died - or lived. Yale might be using that gap of absolute knowledge to play logic games; "She didn't do what you think she did." Or the Yale statement might be literal and factual, that the process is a fiction and that no seeds, plant or animal, were harmed in the making of this art. That could never be proven false. No, it couldn't. See: Begging the question. Until Shvarts or Yale change their story, the piece is true and false, and you still don't know if she was pregnant during the making of the piece.

Thank you, Yale, for muddying the waters. It's all right, go ahead and make wild accusations that only obscure the issue more. Now everyone will wonder if Shvarts is lying or if you're trying to distance yourself from controversy instead of examining the work. When you're done stirring the shit you can join the rest of us at the grown-up's table.

For the record, my reaction is "Meh." Like the much-discussed works of Serrano, Ofili, and Cavallaro, I'm not moved far by Shvarts's provocations, but I don't deny the piece is art. The discussion of whether it's art or not proves that it is art. Yes, it does. Shut up. Dick.

You want to push the point? Fine. This is what it's like inside an artist's brain: ........ Nothing .............. Still nothing ............... ThoughtThatMustBeThought! It's crazy in there. You're not doing anything then - wham! - you get an idea that you have to do something with. Nothing about that process seems rational to anyone that isn't an artist, but composers, writers, painters, designers and creators all know what that's about. When I see bodily excretions used in a piece, it doesn't affect me much. I usually think that's somebody else's crazy and move on. I've got my own crazy, and I find it generally more interesting. Don't mistake me, I enjoy and encourage other people's crazy, it just doesn't always connect with me. That's the difference between the illiterate shit-throwing howler monkeys and myself; when I see something that revolts, enrages, or disrespects, I don't reach behind my sack for a pile of it's not art. I call it art and being upset or not reached by a work does not give you the power to claim it isn't.

Get fifty people to freeze in a train station? Art. Photo of a naked girl face-down in a forest? Art. Video that portrays Jesus sodomizing Mary Magdalene? Art. Hang a shovel on a wall? Art. I have one condition: if nobody was involuntarily harmed for the production, it's art. Not every culture may have that taboo.

Thus: "Art can be illegible. It can be exhausting. It can be maddening, offensive, and revelatory. Sometimes, it is literally Our Savior in a jar of pee... Art can and will elude you."

Thursday, April 17, 2008

Not one goddamn mention of The Ramones

Gabba gabba hey!

Not only does Joshua Allen rock harder than your mom on a three-day meth binge, but he does it with the grace of a cheetah. It's long been known that two-thirty to three is the proper length of a song. Thanks to Allen's research we now know the precisely when a song enters what I, and everyone after me, will refer to as the fast-forward valley. At one hundred sixty-two seconds the slope of the graph of a song's greatness changes to negative, decreasing sharply as it passes one hundred eighty seconds. Every second on the negative slope increases the urge to press fast-forward and skip to the next song. It's like the uncanny valley except you can only pass the second vertex by getting pharmaceutical. Let's face it, "Ina-gadda-da-vida" is only listenable when you're high.



Allen's work is certainly of great importance, but there is a critical flaw in his report: not one goddamn mention of The Ramones. He gave recognition to The Breeders, The Cure, The Pixies, The Smiths, and The Violent Femmes, among others, but somehow overlooked The Ramones. It's possible this omission was done to inflate the ratio of bands-with-no-Deal-sisters to bands-with-one-or-more-Deal-sisters; this seems unlikely as the count of Deals is still quite low. There is a further error in his selection of tracks with perfect lengths: "Don't Do Me Like That" makes the list while "Pinhead" is conspicuously absent. Are we seriously expected to believe that Tom Petty can be included while ignoring the contribution of Dee Dee Ramone? It's a pity that this kind of bullshit shell game can overshadow such monumental findings.

Let me be clear on this: when you talk about songs that make hair fall off your nuts at two-and-a-half minutes because the riff is just that badass, you talk about the Ramones. No exceptions.

Tuesday, April 15, 2008

Objects in motion

We don't even have pictures
Just memories to hold
That grow sweeter each season
As we slowly grow old


Sometime in grade school, I think it was fourth grade, my class's teacher set up a one-mile course on the playground. We could run, jog, or walk, and I don't remember us being timed. I jogged. This is back when I wore shorts when it was warm. Most of you have never seen me in shorts. Anyway, Robika comes up behind me and says, "What's wrong with your legs?" I asked her what she meant and she asked the question again, which was very unilluminating. I offered a "nothing" and Robika said they looked weird. Nothing for me to say to that. I jogged a little faster. And I stopped wearing shorts.

The Fair at New Boston had a Shawun story teller. The second year I saw him I realised he was telling the same stories over and over, and I stopped paying attention to him. Got me some buffalo for lunch instead. But there are a few things he said that stuck. One, it's not turtles all the way down, it's just one turtle. She's not standing on anything, she's swimming; She's a turtle, it's what they do. They're known for swimming. Two, an unexpected gift from someone you don't know is the best gift. Unless it's candy. Kids, strangers don't have the best candy, candy stores have the best candy. Three, don't look at your feet when you walk. Look in front of you, up, to the sides, but not at the ground. Just move.

When puberty hit, I mean really hit, not that early stuff where voices start to change and beards start to grow and crotches start to get twitchy, I mean full-on hardcore adolescence, right around the time I started high school, I became the world-record Most Awkward Human Ever. My legs got tangled in themselves five or seven times a day. But I wasn't looking at my feet, which was maybe part of the problem. Remember that episode of The Next Generation where Data learned to dance? He was fine as long as he watched his feet. If you're keeping score, that's speculative fiction: 1, native folk wisdom: 0.

I walked to high school every day. Sometimes a car would pull over and one of my teachers or classmates would give me a lift. Sometimes someone would throw a pop can at me from the road, and if I was lucky the can was empty. One day I was picked up by, of all people, a car full of cheerleaders. They told me my walk matched the theme to The Addams Family. I wasn't sure how to take that. Still not. I don't recall Gomez tripping as often as I did; Cousin It, maybe.

Things changed by my senior year. I wasn't watching my step, but I didn't need too - much. The whole walk had changed. One night I was having a dinner break before rehearsal started at Wendy's. Jason was in the cast and we walked back to the theatre together. About halfway there he told me, "You've got an awesome walk. You don't lead with anything. And your head just floats there, it doesn't move up and down at all." So, not everyone who saw me walking around was a dick.

Toby was built like me, tall and thin. We ran the streets from Strange Brew to Ferncliff like we owned them because we did, snatch. He said he liked walking with me because I could match his stride. Christine and Jeremy said I had the greatest walk they'd seen as I was coming across Cliff Park at the end of the night. Walking home on from the public library I ran into a punk I knew from around town. He said I'd be walking those streets forever. I was twenty-one, and my walk was the stuff of legends.

My last night on the job in Lubbock, Eric stopped me before I left and said I had the coolest walk in the place. He got to watch me walk out of the door, out of the state, faced straight ahead. I didn't look down.

I just moved.

Monday, April 14, 2008

Combo breaker

The White Phoenix Hakuho's power level is OVER NINE THOUSAND:



For those of you playing along at home, that was P+F, UF, U, UB, B, DB, D.

Thursday, April 10, 2008

I'm bout to teach yo ass how to link SHAKA-ZULU!

  • My backpack has jets.
  • "It was the freshest move I'd ever seen."
  • Look good, smell good, taste good, is good eats SHAKA-ZULU! Alton Brown is going to get capped in a drive-by after this. I don't want to give it away, but I totally guessed the secret ingredient.
  • New names for old colors. Just... just fucking shoot me. Goddammit, Crayola. "Happy ever after" is a color now? What. The. Fuck. With the inclusion of bear hug and super happy, how long until Jerry Falwell says they're pushing the homosexual agenda? (Because a bear is big hairy gay man. Don't ask. No, I'm not... look, I just know things, okay? I read a lot, I'm on the internet, I know things.) Fun fact: bear hug used to be called beaver. I'll just let that sink in.
  • I might have gone to prom if the girls at my school had worn anything like this. I hope it comes with instructions, essential after years of abstinence-only sex ed. On second thought, the girls at my school were drugged-up skanks who split for any d-bag with a car and a six-pack of silver cans, the kind of girls who needed a weekly text telling them to check for crabs. That dress wouldn't be enough protection for one hole, let alone three.
  • Rock out with your Hawk out.
  • It turns out today's robots are ready to rise and enslave/kill us all, they're just waiting for us to give them guns.
  • I'm sorry, Nokia. The Motorola is just a fling. She doesn't mean anything. I'll come back, baby.
  • Okay, yeah, I went to school with girls like this. The blonde, Connie, I knew a girl just like her. It is the great regret of my life that I didn't lay into her the way Brian does. I'll bet her tears would've tasted like rainbows and Skittles. Or Jage.
  • Oklahoma needs to get their shit together and join us in the 21st century.
  • Baddd Spellah, I need a remix.

Kicking the tires on jGnash

Money has never been anything but an illusory concept to me. Even when the Hamiltons were in my pocket it was as though they had no mass. Money was nothing but an electromagnetic phenomenon, no more concrete than light itself. My relationship with money is like this: I do what other people want me to do for awhile, and I get paid. Note that it is not I get paid for doing what other people want. Two things happen, but there's no visible connection.

When I was younger this was exemplified by picking up walnuts in the backyard. After picking up the offending seeds I was given a number of coins, made of such rare metals as nickel and copper. Later iterations added complexity; I would do things and was given a piece of paper which was exchanged for money, and later still for a digital facsimile of money. The most recent versions have brought the abstraction to a startling extent. Now I do things, get a piece of paper, and my "balance" online says I have more "funds" than the day before. Further, the piece of paper which is central to this process for other people may arrive days before or after money appears in my bank account, so it's very difficult to correlate the two events. For years, I have believed that I earned money essentially through voodoo. My works did not even represent alchemy, transubstantiating motion into money; there was simply no connection in my mind.

Spending money often suffered from the same abstraction. I would "pay" by swiping a plastic chit in some machine, and I could do that as long as the numbers in my bank account stayed high enough. It wasn't money; I rolled to check against stamina, and if I made my roll I got a new video card. Or tires.

It is with great trepidation that I face budgeting. Previous attempts have suffered from disorganization, inexperience, and apathy. I aim to change that with jGnash, a free double-entry home finance program written in Java. The documentation for jGnash is almost non-existant, so I set it up and used my usual method to figure everything out. My usual method is to click things and see what happens.

Say you build a button. The button gives you an electrical shock when you push it. You leave the button unmarked, because telling people not to do something is a sure way to get someone to do it. And who pushes random buttons that they know nothing about anyway? Now say I find the button. I'll think, I wonder what that does, and push the button and get shocked. A normal person would say I shouldn't do that again, but I'll wonder if it does that every time. So I'll push the button again. I'll try weighing the button down to see if the shock is persistent or if it times out or if it pulses. I'll try pushing it with one foot raised, with one arm raised, with one foot and one arm raised. Then I'll find someone else to push the button to see if it shocks everyone or just me. These things happen to me. The lady at Barnes and Noble had to run a demagnetizing plate on my ass because the alarms went off when I walked into the store. And at the Target. I'm not being colloquial, she rubbed the plate on my cheeks before I stopped tripping the alarm.

The jGnash wiki has a new user page, but that's the only sign of usage help outside of the forums and it's woefully inadequate. So I said, I wonder what that does. Thumbnails are linked to larger versions.


When jGnash is started you're immediately asked to create a new file. Click yes, and you're asked to choose a name and place for the file. See that area on the right that says "Use Encryption?" DON'T CLICK THAT. Crypto won't be standard in future versions. The devs recommend using environmental crypto.




After making the new file, you're given a three-step dialog to set currency options. These can be changed later if needed. Now you're shown the main screen.


The accounts list shown here is where most of your operations will be done. The three buttons down the left side take you to the register, which shows the transactions for each account, and the reminders where you can set repeating transactions and alarms. The accounts list starts with bank, expense, and income accounts that can be modified but not deleted. Clicking the New button brings up the creation dialog.


In addition to the default account types, you can create asset, cash, credit, equity, investment, liability, and mutual fund accounts. It's mostly a semantic difference, though investment and mutual fund accounts have a significantly different register, and the liability register has an amortize function for your loans. Once an account has been created, you can't change the type but everything else can be modified. And of course an account can't be deleted if a transaction for it has been recorded.

The locked option removes the account from the account list and prevents transactions involving it and any accounts nested under it. Placeholder does the same but only to itself, not to any children accounts. Hide account means the account won't be displayed in the accounts list if the option is selected in the display filter is chosen. The filter button on the accounts list has four options: bank, expense, income, and hidden. Hidden accounts are only those with this attribute set. Income accounts are income accounts, expense accounts are expense accounts, bank accounts are everything else.

The parent button is used to decide what the new account is nested under. Root makes a top-level account. Checking and savings accounts would be nested under "bank accounts." Truly deep hierarchies can be created:



At the accounts list, if you select an account and click the zoom button you're given a register window for that account. Double-clicking the account also brings up a register window. Clicking the register button on the left slides a register pane next to an account list. It's not THE accounts list; there's no balance or transaction count displayed, just the name.



The register window is substantially the same for each account; the major difference is the terms used on the first two tabs. Deposit/withdrawal for bank accounts, receive/spend for cash accounts, payment/charge for credit accounts, etc. Here's the thing to remember: in each register window the first tab is money coming into the selected account and the second tab is money going out of that account. There's an option to use accounting terms, which turns all of these tabs into credit and debit. In the shot below, money would be moving from the credit account to the bank account.



Transfer is for moving money among your own accounts (there's no payee field), and adjust is for single-entry adjustments to an account. The adjust tab has a button to make the selected transaction double-entry, in case you used an adjustment to correct an imbalance and eventually found out where that money went to or came from.

The number list is used to enter a check number or transaction type, and has a few special entries. These are Next #, Print, EFT, and Trans by default. The dropdown entries can be customised through an options dialog from the Tools menu; you can also type any value into the field as you enter the transaction. If a number value has already been entered in the register, selecting Next # will set the value to the next number in sequence. Print is used to mark a transaction for printing a check of it; more on that debacle below.

Highlighting a double-entered transaction and clicking the Jump button opens the register for the other account. The reconciled checkbox is used to mark a transaction that has cleared.



The splits button is used when a single transaction involves three or more accounts. This may happen when your paycheck is divided between a checking and a savings account, or if you deposit part of a check and receive part in cash. Select one account, enter the amount, and click enter. Do the same for each account involved. When you're done, click OK to return to the register screen, fill out the rest of the form and click enter to place it in the register. In the transaction list, the Account column will say "[# splits]" rather than listing the accounts involved. The Jump button will not function at this end of the transaction, but jumping from any of the other accounts will take you to the originating register.

The date field allows you to enter the date of the transaction in m/d/yy format. Clicking the "..." button next to the field brings up a nearly-usable calendar view. The calendar will almost always show days from the end of the previous month and beginning of the next month. Depending on which theme you are using, these extra-month days may be shaded to separate them from the current month's dates.



In the above picture, the left is using the "Metal" decoration; the right uses "JGoodies Plastic."



From the main screen, clicking the Reminders button opens an alarm scheduler. A reminder can be used to automate a recurring transaction or let you know that a bill is coming due.



The creation screen is fairly straightforward. The transaction field can be left blank if you're creating a dummy alarm, e.g. the electric bill will be due at the same time each month but with varying costs. Clicking the edit button opens a deprecated version of the register entry screen. The money-in/money-out tabs are there, but not the transfer or adjust tabs; Split transactions can also be entered here.



The payee field will be displayed in the reminder creation screen as the transaction, but the description field is what will be displayed in the reminder list.

Back to the reminder creation screen. The date field is for the first date you should be alerted about the reminder. The enabled check box turns the reminder on in the scheduler, so leaving it unchecked is pretty useless. You can set the cycle time for recurring alerts with or without end dates.

You can set a reminder to alert you a number of days before the date you entered above in the Frequency area. In this example, you would be reminded on April 9th. Again, if you activate the checkbox.

The "Last Occurrence" and "Days past due" boxes are filled in by jGnash. Last occurence is when the reminder was previously triggered. Days past due is how far past the "Date of first payment" you are, if you haven't approved the transaction.

When you start jGnash for the first time on a given day, it pops up a window with any reminders set for that date or that are past due.



Clicking the "Approve" checkbox marks a reminder for completion and its counter resets. If any reminders are let unapproved you can choose an interval before you are reminded again. There is a range of intervals from five minutes to one day, and an entry to be alerted the next time jGnash is started. If you approve some transactions but not others, or none at all, you can select an interval and click the Acknowledge button; the outstanding reminders will come up in a window at the specified time.

I haven't dealt with the menu bar yet, but there are quite a few special functions there. Under the File menu there are the encryption options I warned against earlier, and commands to import data from other accounting programs.

The Archive command will clean out old entries and archive them in a separate file, keeping your register uncluttered. To use the Archive functions, create an Equity account. Archive will move transactions before your specified date into the selected Equity account, save them in an external file, and remove the transactions and the Equity account from your current register. It also seems to have the side effect of clearing the hidden attribute from any of your other accounts. So it's got that going for it.

The Reports menu has commands to produce and export reports in a number of formats. The Accounts submenu has two particularly useful commands, Account register and Balance sheet. These are the only two reports I managed to get any useful data from, but I've only worked at this for a few hours with a limited data set. They may be more useful to someone who knows what he's doing. From the report viewer, you can choose a new account report to view from the dropdown list and click the Refresh button, and there's a checkbox to show split transaction details. No need to refresh for those. The report viewer can also save as PDF, HTML, or comma-separated data.



The Tools menu has commands for entering commodities and securities, adding currencies in case you invest in Rupees, and running BeanShell scripts. jGnash uses BeanShell to create report modules; Highly motivated users can examine the default modules and hack custom report formats. The Recurring Transactions command opens a Reminders pop-up window.

Remember the Print value next to EFT and check numbers in the transaction entry screen? The Design/edit checks dialog is why you'll never use it. There's no default layout for checks and the layout designer is unusable as it is. Don't bother with this unless you (A) absolutely need it, (B) have a lot of time and printer ink, and (C) hate yourself. Unless you fit all three, there's a better solution, probably involving BeanShell and an undocumented API.

The options panel has an autosave setting; do yourself a favor and turn it on. jGnash can also support multiple users concurrently over a network. I haven't tried this yet, but I intend to soon.

jGnash looks feature-complete for the majority of home users, which is why the small design flaws stand out so much. The reminder enable boxes should either be on by default or removed, and autosave should certainly be on initially. The check layout designer desperately needs reworked. For all of that, it seems like a solid application. I wouldn't say I'm looking forward to recording where my money goes, but jGnash is more inviting than a spreadsheet.

Good talk.

Wednesday, April 9, 2008

Mountain Battles

I can feel it

The Breeders, Mountain Battles (36:42). You know how guys fantasize about doing two sisters at once? In high school my fantasies were about Kim and Kelley Deal. And my German teacher. Frau war heisse.

1. Overglazed (2:15)
Side one, track one. Perfect choice. This is going to be stuck in my head for weeks. Months, if I can manage it.

2. Bang On (2:03)
A strong follow-up with more rock and less shoegaze. Play it when you're shaving.

3. Night Of Joy (3:26)
Slows down the album in just the right place. One of only three tracks longer than three minutes.

4. We're Gonna Rise (3.53)
Another slow piece breaking three minutes. "Rise" turns it up for a few seconds near the end. A solid offering and not-terrible sweeping up after "Night."

5. German Studies (2:16)
Sounds like classic Breeders - in German. Good stuff.

6. Spark (2:39)
Meh.

7. Istanbul (2:58)
This track flirts dangerously with three minutes but manages to pace itself nicely. Well played, Istanbul. Not a cover of the They Might Be Giants song, thankfully, and a good closer for the A side.

8. Walk It Off (2:46)
This belongs next to "We're Gonna Rise." Probably after it, pushing "German Studies" back a notch. I'm all for rocking the B side, but the B side is exactly where "Spark" belongs. "Walk It Off" is a class-act and shouldn't get lost in the shadows.

9. Regalame Esta Noche (2:52)
I don't speak Spanish.

10. Here No More (2:39)
At this length, you might as well add another thirty or forty seconds so I've got some warning of what I'm getting into. It's not bad, it's just tempting me to hit the skip button.

11. No Way (2:33)
This is how you rock the B side.

12. It's The Love (2:28)
As is this. With "No Way," it makes a strong ending for the album.

13. Mountain Battles (3:54)
There's really nowhere else for this to go except clean-up. This song is a great closer. It edges out "We're Gonna Rise" by one second to claim Longest Song Up In Here and I can respect that kind of determination, pushing everything to the wire.

Mountain Battles is a solid effort from the Deals, the only returning members. It's definitely worth the thirty-seven minutes to hear. The only real weak spot is "Spark," which doesn't belong on side one and may not belong on the album at all. If ever a song could be called filler, that's it. A lot of the tracks come off with a shoegaze feel but that's not always a bad thing, and there's enough of the old sound to remind you who you're listening to. Edgewise Online has a review pulled from the release party video I linked earlier. The album is available in whole or a la carte at the BG website and Amazon, which is more expensive. You can preview the songs on the Amazon page, or listen to the whole thing on the Breeders MySpace page.

Tuesday, April 8, 2008

Zimbabwe: FUBAR

I am Governor Jerry Brown
My aura smiles and never frowns
Soon I will be president


Okay, lemme get this straight. The sitting government refuses to release presidential election results, but releases the other results that show his party has clearly lost. After sitting on the presidential results for almost a week, incumbent Mugabe starts pushing for a runoff election. Note that the results of the first election haven't actually been released. The still-ruling Zanu-PF party of Mugabe also pushed for recounts in "disputed areas," and Mugabe said he was prepared to step down if he was granted immunity from prosecution for massacres he instigated during his twenty-eight year reign. Now election officials have been arrested and accused of rigging the votes in the oppositions favor. Again, these are results that haven't been released.

Mugabe Caesar sits on the results. Then he says he'll give up if the new president plays Ford to his Nixon, but still doesn't release the election numbers. I would guess that didn't go down too well, and now he's throwing out accusations that votes for him were deliberately ignored or altered. And still no results. It might just be because I'm American, and Americans have been spoiled by getting five or six different results during one election from Florida alone, because gods forbid we have an election that Florida doesn't get drunk and fuck up for everyone else, but it seems suspect that Mugabe can't just say "these are the results, but we think they're rigged and we're disputing them" and then go to court with it. At least then the hood would be pulled off Zimbabwe's head and they could see who's raping and murdering their families. Yeah, I went there. What? Too soon? That country's been in conflict for over a century. It's the Balkans of Africa.

And look at that picture in the Guardian article. The blue eyes, that mustache, a despot leading a country into massacres over generations-old disputes and urging racial violence - are you seeing what I'm seeing? I'll say it: Black Hitler. Zimbabwe falls under Godwin's law now. Game over.

Monday, April 7, 2008

No bye, no aloha

This night of joy follows
Oh, everywhere you go


The Breeders' new album Mountain Battles is going on sale tomorrow. You can see a video of the release party here, held at one of Dayton's fine VFW halls. It's worth visiting if only to hear the new album. I mean all of it, forty minutes played throughout the video, no other soundtrack.

The best part of the video is the first thirty seconds: Kim puts on the record and the back of the speaker comes apart. It just can't handle how awesome the Breeders are. I mean, there's a reason Cannonball is my ringtone. No no, Kim, it's okay. Leave the speaker alone. Don't worry about it. Let the sound out.

Summer of 2000, the year I met K at the Arts Fest. The sound man was housesitting in Yellow Springs, so one night we out there and had a party. Jeremy and I started a fire in the backyard by tearing pages out of the phonebook for kindling. Everyone was getting impatient, so to reassure them he said he used to be a cub scout and I said I was a junior pyro. Someone started Last Splash and I paid no attention until I heard the bass at the start of track two, because that's when the album really starts and you damn well know it. New Year is a fine song but it doesn't deserve track one, oh no. Then I wondered if my '85 Tempo was going to make it home since the alternator belt broke on route 68 getting out there. Helluva night.

And do the Deals look like that from growing old or the heroin? I just want to know which one's safe for me to keep doing.

Thursday, April 3, 2008

Hey baby, wanna link all humans?

  • More Zimbabwean election crimes, in map form. And still no results for the presidential race.
  • Sound and fury, signifying nothing. I looked at the picture and, really, I don't think it's that great. I mean, it's nice, it's good, it's clean, but it requires a note telling you how to get rid of the comments. Overkill, oh yeah.
  • Reality: meh.
  • In the future, everyone will be famous for fifteen pageviews.
  • MIT bravely marches towards the uncanny valley.
  • I think I saw this on an episode of Star Trek.
  • Turtles eat. I don't care if it's a tortoise or not, it's hungry and this is the only chance for the rabbit to make a comeback.
  • Turtles mate. Note the... sound at the end. I... I did not know turtles could make that... sound.
  • Turtles support the elephants that support the flat round thing. Why is there a picture with the article? Does this need illustrating that badly? Wait- why is this on Wikipedia at all? Turtles swim, don't they?